"My labour experience left me traumatised"

Around a year ago, my birth experience through FSH left me feeling anxious, traumatised and violated. I was scheduled for an induction at 37 weeks with the explanation that my otherwise perfectly healthy baby was measuring a little small. I was never informed indepth of the reasoning behind the decision, only that it was best practice with babies measuring 'a little small'. When I asked for a second opinion, hoping to get more of an explanation, I recall I was told that in the public system, I wasn't entitled to one, and that if I didn't sign the consent form, I would be held responsible for any bad outcome my baby would face. Terrified by the thought of something being that terribly wrong with my baby, I signed the form. Based on my experience, I wish I hadn't.

Fast forward to induction day, when it was time to move me to the labour ward to break my waters and get the ball rolling– I felt everything went to hell. The midwife assigned to my labour broke my waters without fanfare or care, but only after seemingly missing the mark 3 times and bruising my inner thigh so bad it was completely mottled and black. I don't know how they managed it. I was put on the drip to begin contractions, and was put straight on a high dosage that very quickly proved too much for my baby, as they started showing signs of distress. A senior midwife was called and they very adamantly stated that I was not to be put on such a high dose, that I was to stay on the dose we'd discovered to be the threshold of what baby could tolerate so early on.

Two hours in, I was given not one, but two cervical exams to check dilation– one from each midwife in the room. I was not on any form of pain management, nor was any offered. The exams hurt far worse than the contractions ever did, in fact they were the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life. This happened every 40 minutes or so, always twice. I dreaded it every moment of my labour. Eventually the shift changed and a new midwife came into the room and almost immediately increased my dose to speed up contractions despite the senior midwife previously stating that this was not to happen. I was having contractions ontop of each other, not even a minute to breathe between them, and when I asked if I could move around to try and work through them, I was denied and told to stay on the bed. 8 hours in, I still had not been offered pain management, when I asked about an epidural, I was informed I had to be 7cm dilated. This of course was followed by another round of the dreaded cervical exam, where by that point it felt like my cervix was being ripped open. When the midwife saw how badly I reacted to the pain, I recall I was told, ‘you wanted a baby’. I would like to add, this was my first pregnancy. Throughout it all, I did not feel safe with these people, I couldn't relax, I laid there in pain, in fear for my baby and of the next exam over the entire 13 hours that hell lasted. I did not progress past 4cm, so a surgeon was called to discuss a c-section. The surgeon herself was lovely, and by that point I was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally and just wanted it over. She had me on her table 40 minutes later. The surgical team were all amazing, and the anaesthesiologist held my hand throughout it all because she saw how terrified I was.

Despite thinking I'd gotten through the worst of the experience, I was quickly proven wrong when I was wheeled out of surgery and into post-op observation. My new baby was placed on my chest, only barely cleaned up and in a nappy, and a midwife told me to feed them. I had no idea what I was doing, I had zero manoeuvrability from the breasts down, and when I stated this the midwife flipped the sheet down from my chest and proceeded to grab and squeeze my breast. I was so shocked I was speechless, but she got my breast to produce milk for my baby so I didn't comment. It wasn't the last time this, or other midwives took it upon themselves to do this, without my consent, but I thought to myself 'they're only helping, even if I feel like a public cow.' I was in hospital for a week following my c-section, where I wasn't allowed to sleep for more than 40 minute stretches before someone would slam my door, grab my arm for observations or my breast to 'check my milk'. It was four days in before I was asked if I'd been pumping to get milk production up- I'd had no idea I was meant to be doing that in the first place, and my lack of knowledge in that meant that my breasts were drier than the air in that dark, claustrophobic room. My baby’s blood sugar levels dropped to the point they had to give them glucose gel, and I was made to feel ashamed that my breasts weren't producing enough milk to feed my baby. When I asked for formula to at least give them something, I felt I was further shamed for not breastfeeding them because ‘breast is best’.

I left the hospital with my baby and based on my experience hope fervently that I will never go back for fear I'll go through what I did again.

I'm currently pregnant with my second baby, and I will not be going back to FSH for delivery. Just the thought terrifies me.

I'm limited to 1000 words, so I stuck to the most vivid moments of this seemingly horrid experience at FSH.